


I Can't Stop

by 2LT



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Crushes, Fluff, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2018-10-20 09:59:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10660212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2LT/pseuds/2LT
Summary: “Do you think it counts if we do those things with other men?” Jon asked, absent-mindedly.He’d heard rumors about brothers of the Night’s Watch sleeping together out of loneliness and wondered about what would happen if they fell in love. He found it wholly possible, given how close he’d already grown to some of the men there. It didn’t seem outlandish to him that he and Sam could be together and have a relationship like any other couple lucky enough to be south of the Wall. He’d sometimes daydream about it, feeling guilty when he caught himself.





	I Can't Stop

“What does celibacy mean, really?” Jon looked up and squinted at Sam, who’d posed the question. The two had been sitting in silence for a while, Sam reading one of Maester Aemon’s many books and Jon mindlessly sharpening Longclaw.

They were in Sam’s chambers, one of the smaller and colder rooms at the edge of Castle Black. Sam always insisted it was, anyway. It was strewn with borrowed books, notes and other miscellaneous items he had accumulated while stewarding. The only furnishings were a small wooden desk facing the wall, where Sam sat, and a woefully uncomfortable cot then being used by Jon. The pair would often spend their time after work together, carrying on about what they’d done during the day and keeping each other company. When their conversations would trail off, Jon wouldn’t mind. It was a comfortable kind of quiet.

“Of course, I know what celibacy means.” Sam hastily explained, “But what would and wouldn’t count as breaking our vows?”

“What do you think would count?” Jon looked on, expectantly. He could see Sam tilt his head in puzzlement. He never understood his adolescent fascination with all things related to sex or women and his sadness about the oath they’d sworn to become men of the Night’s Watch. He was interested in sex, but not quite as much as Sam. And he certainly didn’t see why he lamented never being able to take a wife so often.

“Well, probably, uh,” He paused, conjuring his knowledge of dirty acts and positions to mind. “Putting it in, definitely.”

“Putting it in?” Jon asked, smirking. His answer likely wouldn’t have been much different, but he still found his childishness amusing. Sam always wanted to talk about girls or sleeping with them, but was always too bashful to describe the acts as colorfully as their brothers.

“Yeah, you know, inside a lady’s…” He vaguely waved his hand in the air. He was glad his back was turned to Jon, because he could feel himself flush at the idea of describing the intricacies of a woman’s anatomy out loud. He knew he was toying with him, but he continued anyways. “You know.”

“Yeah, yeah. Anything else, then?” Sam fell silent at the question, at a loss. He finally admitted that he couldn’t think of anything else that he could say out loud and Jon chuckled. “Maybe it’s good you’ll never have a wife! You wouldn’t even know where to put it, would you?”

“I know where to put it! I do!” Sam protested, whipping around. Jon couldn’t help but break into even louder laughter and Sam joined him, just as loud. He couldn’t help it, something about Jon’s laugh made him want to smile and join him, even if it was at his own expense. Maybe it was the rarity of it or because he loved seeing Jon so jovial.

When the moment had passed, he turned back around and closed the book he’d been reading, carefully marking the page. It was a generic novel about a nobleman, a common girl and their forbidden love, something he’d been reading to waste time. He’d posed his original question because of a detailed scene about the two lovers on one of their trysts. He’d began to think about his oath to the Night’s Watch, how he could never truly love a woman like he’d always wanted to.

“Thinking about our vows again?” Jon’s question tore Sam from his daydreaming and brought him back to reality.

“I guess so.” He was a bit embarrassed to admit it, but he couldn’t help it. It had always seemed like Jon was never bothered by what the vows implied, wearing all of it as a badge of honor, rather than a set of rules. Sam wished he could be like that but was too interested in seeing what sleeping with someone was like to keep from thinking about it. The all male camp had inspired many, many conversations on the subject and he was always jealous hearing of others’ conquests and stories.

“They don’t really say anything about celibacy.” Jon shrugged. “They talk about ‘taking no wife’ and ‘fathering no children’. The brothers going out to Mole’s Town aren’t breaking their oaths if they’re not having children or marrying their whores. You could do that if you’d like.”

“It not worth it.” Sam shook his head. “I’d like to, of course. But oathbreaking means death and I don’t want to see if Lord Commander Mormont thinks it’s okay or not.”

“Do you think it counts if we do those things with other men?” Jon asked, absentmindedly. He knew it would count, as Maester Aemon had cited love as the death of duty, but he still thought about it sometimes. He’d heard rumors about brothers of the Night’s Watch sleeping together out of loneliness and wondered about what would happen if they fell in love. He found it wholly possible, given how close he’d already grown to some of the men there. It didn’t seem outlandish to him that he and Sam could be together and have a relationship like any other couple lucky enough to be south of the Wall. He’d sometimes daydream about it, feeling guilty when he caught himself.

“Other men?” He looked to Jon, puzzled. Surely he meant doing things to women _alongside_ other men? He’d never really heard of two men wedding or raising a child together. He’d heard of sex and touching between them, but it was taboo to talk about private affairs in public in Reach so his knowledge on the subject was minimal. He really only had his firsthand knowledge to go off of.

“It just says ‘no wife’ not ‘no lover’ or ‘no husband’, so I…” Jon began to trail off, embarrassed. Normally he was glad to have Sam as his closest friend but realized he’d grown almost too comfortable with him. He didn’t know what it was like in Reach, but in the North the idea of laying with another man was something to be ashamed of. The last thing he wanted was to scare Sam away with feelings that even he didn’t understand. “Never mind.”

The two sat in a new, uncomfortable silence. Sam turned around in his chair to look at Jon, who was trying his best to avoid eye contact. His position on Sam’s bed hadn’t changed, but his movements were rigid. He apprehensively turned Longclaw over, running his fingers over its unique pommel.

“Well, I guess it doesn’t technically count.” Sam said, curtly. Jon was often grim, wearing the same miserable expression and musing about this and that, but Sam had never seen him so genuinely uncomfortable. He could tell he regretted posing the question and understood why, but was interested in exploring the idea. He didn’t _seem_ like he liked boys. “Why, have you thought about it?”

“Obviously not. I was just…” Jon’s heart raced with anxiety. He turned the blade over again and pretended to inspect it. Part of him wished he could be truthful, that Sam would understand because he was kindhearted through and through. A bigger part of him, the part of him that cared too much about how other people viewed him, didn’t want to risk being rebuffed and then referred to as a bastard _and_ buggerer.

“Thinking about it!” He accused. He wasn’t offended at the idea of Jon being disinterested in women, but more so at the fact that he was trying to hide what he was thinking and mincing words. He assumed they were close, that they could tell each other anything.

“I suppose I was.” Jon weakly replied. His stomach churned with nervousness as he awaited Sam’s reply. He was sure he’d be disgusted and throw him from his room, never to come back because he wasn’t normal. Still, found space in mind to be hopeful. Maybe Sam would agree, say that he sometimes managed to turned his thoughts from women. Maybe they could see if it doesn’t count against their oath to be together.

“Well, that’s fine, then.” He could see how humiliated Jon was and felt defeated. He wasn’t at all repulsed by the revelation and tried to find the right words to assure him that he wasn’t. It was clear to Sam that he’d never told anyone this before, and he didn’t want to betray that trust by hurting him. “I don’t care. Oh! I mean-- I mean, I do care because I care about you. But it doesn’t matter to me. Like who you like, I say. You’re a more honorable man than most, defending the wall and keeping people safe and the like. That’s what people should judge you for. So, really, it doesn’t matter to me.”

“It doesn’t?” Jon hesitantly looked up to Sam, to see if he was being genuine. He smiled his usual, warm smile at Jon and he felt as if his heart was going to burst. He wanted to tell him everything; how he’d always been more interested in looking at men, how he never followed Theon and Robb to the brothel outside of Winterfell, how he’d always felt alone, how he sometimes felt something deep in his stomach when Sam smiled at him. He bit his tongue and tried to curb his enthusiasm, not wanting to get ahead of himself. Before all of that, he wanted to see if he maybe wasn’t alone in his confusion. “Have you ever felt the same?”

“Well…” Sam faltered. He always tried to push the thoughts out of his mind when they arose, but found himself wanting to tell Jon all about them. He seemed to understand more than he did. Maybe he could help him work out how he was feeling. “I think I have… or do. When I was younger I had a friend, the son of a lord close to my father. We would play every day at Horn Hill’s castle and spend any time we could together. Once, when we were together in the garden throwing rocks into the pond he stopped and got quiet. I asked him if he was alright because I was worried if he’d gotten sick or bitten; bugs are terribly nasty down in Reach. Anyways, he looked at me for a moment then kissed me. The way he looked at me was so tender. No one but you and him have ever looked at me that way. It’s always sneering or disapproval or hatred.”

Jon’s heart fluttered. The thought of Sam being with another boy during childhood gave him hope for himself. He’d always tried not to think of him in a romantic light because he didn’t want to be disappointed, but couldn’t help spending cold nights wondering about the two of them sharing a bed, wanting to kiss him every time he smiled his sweet smile, wanting to tell him how smart and amazing he was when he talked endlessly about a book he’d read or fact he’d learned. He was a bit embarrassed his affection was so visible even he could see it, but at the same time glad it was clear how much he cared for Sam.

“It was nice. You’d think it’d feel different, wrong… it didn’t feel wrong at all. It felt really right, in a way. I didn’t stop him, even though I was surprised. We did it again and once more for what felt like hours. One of my family’s servants must’ve seen and told my father, because he summoned me and beat me worse than he ever had before. He said it was the sewing and reading that made me do it, that I’d spent so much time doing woman’s work with my mother that I was becoming perverse and trying to become a woman myself. He said that if he were to ever see me doing something like that with another boy again he wouldn’t give me a choice between the sword or the black.”

“When I talk about girls, I do exaggerate. I think I do it because that’s how I’ve always heard the other lads around me talk about. But, truly, I do love girls because they’re just… lovely! Everything about them is, you know? I feel the same way about some men, too. It’s just always hurt me to think about, so I don’t think about it. I guess I’m scared of what people would do if they ever realized.”

Sam sighed, relieved. He’d never shared his feelings or experience with his friend with anyone before and being able to do so felt liberating. He didn’t feel bad at all and felt slightly more confident in himself because he’d never admitted it out loud. Being around Jon just seemed to have that effect on him, too. He assumed it was just because of how close their friendship was, but now began to wonder if it was a sign of something else entirely. He realized he’d storytelling that he he was gazing out of his grated window into the blackness of the night and drew his attention back to Jon, who was staring wordlessly at him. He suddenly felt a bit more vulnerable and chuckled nervously.

Jon’s heart ached for Sam and he felt guilty for even thinking he could reprimand him. Words and feelings welled up inside of him and they all got stuck in his throat. He was overjoyed to see someone else think the same thing about other men, but even more so to see that it was his best friend and secret crush who’d felt that way. He was scared too but now they had each other to confide in, Jon thought. He was outraged and saddened to hear about Sam’s mistreatment by his father, curious about what the kiss felt like, eager to comfort him, excited to talk about his own experiences, willing to listen to more of his. His head swirled with a thousand different things and he couldn’t decide what he wanted to do first.

He sheathed Longclaw and swung his feet off of the bed, standing up. For a moment, he stood over Sam, still sitting, unsure of himself. Sam was the one who grabbed Jon by the waist, pulling him downwards into a tight hug. They held each other for a long, long moment and Jon’s head swam. He’d only ever really touched Jon in the past to playfully spar, and was amazed by how intimate and reassuring a hug could feel.

“Sam…” Jon straightened and took a hold of Sam’s hands to bring him to his feet. He was struggling to speak, instead staring at their clasped hands. Sam’s were soft and smooth from days of reading and menial steward work. The contrast to Jon’s hands, one covered in healed burns and the other in callouses, was striking. The difference between the two in general was striking, yet here they were.

“I like you a lot, Jon.” Sam proclaimed. He squeezed Jon’s hands and saw him redden. He could tell from their hug that Jon was hiding something from him; he could easily guess what. He’d held friends before the way Jon melted into Sam’s touch was different than that. He didn’t feel bothered at all by the idea that Jon had a crush on him and almost found he felt the same way. He’d never had someone care for him as much as he did and couldn’t help but let his gratitude grow into something more. He’d ignore the fascination he felt watching him gracefully spar with the others in the yard or the way that the common room’s dim candles made his look even more handsome than he already was and especially the urge to let him stay in his bed through the night. As always, he’d pushed these thoughts away and wrote them off as something else but was seeing now that he had no reason to. He wondered if Jon had thought the same things about him. “No one’s ever treated me as well as you have. Ever since we first met, I’ve admired you. And, truthfully, I’ve never been so close to someone. I’m glad it could be you.”

“Because you deserve to be treated well. I don’t see why people treat you badly; I’ve never seen why.” Jon never thought it was right for Sam to be mistreated because of his cowardice. More than anything, he thought it was almost brave that he readily admitted he was a coward. From his father to their brothers, he couldn’t see why no one appreciated his genuine kindness. When they’d first met, he’d secretly promised himself to keep Sam out of harm’s way, to make sure no one picked on him too mercilessly. He’d been through enough, he’d figured. “And... I like you too.”

He spoke the words quieter than his others, as if he was afraid of them. He shyly drew his eyes upwards and looked into Sam’s. It was a sight, the normally cocksure Jon Snow red-faced and sheepish while Samwell Tarly, craven, grinned on at him. The two gazed at each other, Jon too nervous to act and Sam waiting for him to. He could feel himself redden, his heart beating so fast he thought it might explode. He took a quick breath and closed his eyes.

Gently, he pulled Sam into a kiss. Sam was surprised at the other’s forwardness, but easily relented. It was tender and soft, and Jon felt as if it made him whole. Unclasping Sam’s hands, he moved to put his arms around his waist but was instead the one who was pulled closer. They took a short breath and Sam let out a small, giddy laugh before pulling him into another kiss. This one was deeper and lasted longer, going on until they couldn’t breathe. They broke off and again looked into each other’s eyes, a new spark lit within both the pale blue and steely grey. Jon breathed heavy as they did so, flushed and excited. Sam smiled wider than he ever had and Jon couldn’t help but do the same.

“Don’t look at me like that!” Jon playfully chided, giggling. The Wall was cold and unrelenting, a symbol of the North, but he’d never felt so warm and safe before. He didn’t like being hopeful, but it was all he could be. He imagined all the things he could tell him, the things they could do and only grew even more eager for the future. He threw himself into Sam, hugging him even tighter than before and burying his face into his soft chest.

“I can’t help it!” Sam laughed, putting his arms around Jon. He found he’d be fine never having a wife if it meant he could be with Jon instead. The two made a good couple, he thought. A bit unorthodox, sure, but still a good couple. He wasn’t sure of much, but he was sure the two would be happy together. Time at Castle Black seemed to pass slowly and he hoped to spend every dreary minute alongside Jon. Putting a gentle hand on his messy hair, he sighed dreamily.

“You know, I never wanted a wife anyways.”

“Like hell you didn’t!”


End file.
